-268_The Mother's body.html

I was at the Origin - I WAS the Origin. For more than two hours, consciously, here on this bed, I was the Origin. And it was like gusts - like great gusts ending in explosions. And each one of these gusts was a span of the universe.

It was Love in its supreme essence - which has nothing to do with what people normally understand by that word.

And each gust of this essence of Love was dividing and spreading out ... but they weren't forces, it was far beyond the realm of forces. The universe as we know it no longer existed; it was a sort of bizarre illusion, bearing no relation to THAT. There was only the truth of the universe, with those great gusts of color - they were colored - great gusts colored with something that is the essence of color.

It was stupendous. I lived more than two hours like that, consciously.

And then a Voice was explaining everything to me (not exactly a Voice, but something that was Sri Aurobindo's origin, like the most recent gust from the Origin). As the experience unfolded, this Voice explained each gust to me, each span of the universe; and then it explained how it all became like this (Mother makes a gesture of reversal): the distortion of the universe. And I was wondering how it was possible, with that Consciousness, that supreme Consciousness, to relate to the present, distorted universe. How to make the connection without losing that Consciousness? A relationship between the two seemed impossible. And that's when that sort of Voice reminded me of my promise, that I had promised to do the Work on earth and it would be done. "I promised to do the Work and it will be done."

Then began the process of descent, [[As we will see, "descent" is not the right word. ]] and the Voice was explaining it to me - I lived through it all in detail, and it wasn't pleasant. It took an hour and a half to change from that true Consciousness to the individual consciousness. Because throughout the experience this present individuality no longer existed, this body no longer existed, there were no more limits, I was no longer here - what was here was THE PERSON. An hour and a half was needed to return to the body-consciousness (not the physical consciousness but the body-consciousness), to the individual body-consciousness.

The first sign of the return to individuality was a prick of pain, a tiny point (Mother holds between her fingers a minuscule point in the space of her being). Yes, because I have a sore, a sore in a rather awkward place, and it hurts [[Mother will suffer from this same sore for nearly twelve years. ]] (Mother laughs). So I felt the pain: it was the sign of individuality coming back. Other than that, there was nothing any more - no body, no individual, no limits. But it's strange, I have made a strange discovery [[Later, Mother emphasized: "I don't mean a general discovery; it concerns my body alone. I don't say that all bodies are like this, but MY body - what has become my body - is like this." ]]: I used to think it was the individual (Mother touches her body) who experienced pain and disabilities and all the misfortunes of human life; well, I perceived that what experiences misfortunes is not the individual not my body, but that each misfortune, each pain, each disability has its own individuality as it were, and each one represents a battle.

And my body is a world of battles.

It is the battlefield.

Page 138-39 - Mother's Agenda, volume 3, 13th May - 1962

On the contrary, I have the feeling that those who know more can do more, and more is asked of them - it isn't that they are asked less: they are asked more.

And this body still belongs almost entirely to the old creation. And its own tendency is to say, "Oh, that's not nice! We have goodwill, and the more goodwill we have, the more is demanded from us." But these are very human notions, very human.... The more goodwill we have, the more is asked of us - not because of some decision or other: spontaneously, quite naturally.

We speak of transformation, even of transfiguration, but there is the passage from the old movement to the new movement, from the old status to the new status, which is a break in equilibrium; and always, for what still belongs to the old creation, a dangerous break in equilibrium is what gives you the feeling that everything eludes you, that you have lost your foothold. And that's when you need unwavering faith. But a faith that isn't like mental faith, which is self-supporting: it is a faith in the sensation. And that (Mother shakes her head) is very difficult.

(silence)

It's always the same thing: the old system of solitude is relatively very easy: you lie down, cut off all connections, remain in deep contemplation, and wait for the crisis to be over. It lasts for a time, you don't know how long. But when you are like this, surrounded with people, work, responsibilities (not moral ones: material ones), with things that materially depend on you, then ... you must find the way to go on, but without having anymore the support of the usual equilibrium.

It's a bit hard.

But it is clear that if we say, "I am here because of You and for

You and at Your service," well, it has to be true, that's all.

page 180 - Mother's Agenda , volume 6, 17th July - 1965

It remains to see when I'll disappear! ... Sri Aurobindo said to me, "Your body on earth ..." He said, "What I see is that your body is the only one that has sufficient endurance to go through the ordeal." But, you understand, this body knew nothing about it, it has no ambitions (!), still less pretensions. But basing myself on that, when he told me, "You will do the work," I said yes. So there we are. But now, I see - I have seen: holding out is tough. It's tough. It takes both an unflinching energy - a constant energy, like this (inflexible gesture) - and at the same time, a perfect humility ready to abandon EVERYTHING, because all that is is nothing in comparison with what must be. A perfect humility. I don't think there are many bodies like that. It really (laughing) has goodwill! Oh, these last few days there have been moments ... a few minutes (it could hardly last more) when it was really tough. And then, what makes it possible for the body to go through is that at such moments, it's completely like this (gesture of surrender): "Lord, what You will." Nothing, no thought, no speculation - nothing: "What You will." And "You alone exist." That's all.

Moments of anguish, you know ... in an ordinary consciousness it would translate into hard-to-bear physical pains, but the Grace is there - the UNREALITY OF THE SUFFERING is there, fortunately.

Oh, a marvelous Grace.

page 69-70 , Mother's Agenda , volume 8 , 2nd March - 1967

Yes, I understand. I understand. Well, perhaps that is what Sri Aurobindo meant when he said, "Your body is at present the only one on earth that can do this work." I thought it was a kindness on his part.... But it's true that it was cut off, I knew it - I saw it - cut off, the states of being were sent away: "Go away, all of you are not wanted anymore." Then the body had to rebuild a life for itself. And instead of having to go through all those states of being as it did before, through successive awakenings (gesture of ascent from degree to degree, in the way of the yogis of old), up to the highest height, the highest height beyond the form, now it's no longer that at all, the body no longer needs anything of all that, it simply has ... (gesture of a rising aspiration opening out like a flower). Something within opened and developed, which caused that idiotic mind to become organized and capable of falling silent in an aspiration. And then ... then there was the direct Contact, without intermediaries - the direct contact. That it now has constantly. Constantly, every single moment, the direct contact. And it's THE BODY: it doesn't go through all kinds of things and states of being, not at all, it's direct. But once that has been done (this is something Sri Aurobindo had said), once ONE body has done it, it has the capacity of passing it on to others; and I tell you, there is now (I am not saying in its totality and in detail, probably not), but here and there (scattered gesture to show various points on earth) people suddenly get one experience or another. Some of them (most) get frightened, so naturally it goes away - that is because they weren't prepared enough within (if it's not the little routine of every minute, ever the same, they get frightened), and once they get frightened it's over, it means they will need years of preparation for the experience to recur. But still, some don't; suddenly, an experience: "Ah!" something wholly new, wholly unexpected, which they had never thought of.

It's contagious. That I know. And it's the only hope, because if everyone had to go through the same experience again ... Well, I am ninety now - at the age of ninety people are tired, they've had enough of life. To do this work one must feel as young as a small child.

It takes a long time, I clearly see that it has taken a long time.

And it isn't done, of course, it's BEING done - it isn't done, far from it. Far from it ... What's the proportion of conscious cells? We don't know.

page 382-83 , Mother's Agenda , volume 8 , 22nd Nov - 1967

The mystery is always why he left.

Yes.

I remember quite clearly and precisely (I still see the whole setting, in his room) a conversation I once had with him-in what connection, I don't know .... It was ... (I forget what preceded, you understand), he told me, "We can't both remain upon earth, one must go." Then I said to him, "I am ready, I'll go." Then he told me, "No, you can't go, your body is better than mine, you can undergo the transformation better than I can do."

And the strange thing is that ... It took place just before all his physical difficulties.

But I didn't attach too much importance [to that conversation]; it's only when he left that it suddenly came back, and I thought, "So there, he knew! ..." It was ... I don't know. It was almost like a speculation, you understand, which he was just mentioning. It was at the time of our moving from the other house to this one, [[In February, 1927. ]] because it took place one day in that room, here [downstairs], and it was before his accident, before he broke his leg. [[On November 24, 1938. ]] In what connection, I forget. That's gone. But I remember clearly, so clearly, I still see the room and everything, how he was, how he told me, "We can't both remain upon earth." That's all.

But why can't "both" remain?

Ah, that's the question.

Why?

But when he said it to me, I found it so obvious that I didn't even ask him. So it must have followed something, and that something is gone.

Because I remember, I told him, "I am absolutely ready, I'll go." Then he looked at me, and he said, "No, no, your body is better than mine, it can undergo ..."

page 261-62 , Mother's Agenda , volume 10 , 26th July - 1969

I said that to Sri Aurobindo. (Laughing) He looked at me and said, "There aren't two people like you on earth!" (Mother laughs) Because, he says, people may overcome the need to be happy (not "be happy," that doesn't mean anything), anyway the need of satisfaction, of Ananda, but for it to be spontaneous ...! Like that, effortless.

page 126, Mother's Agenda , volume 11 , 28th March - 1970

Yes, that's it!... In fact, the body has enough commonsense to ... It KNOWS it's not ill - it knows very well it's not an illness, that it's in fact an attempt at transformation, it knows that very well.... And from a psychological standpoint, that's important and it's a great help, but ... there are all those centuries of habit.

page 201 - Mother's Agenda , volume 11 , 20th May - 1970

It was what Sri Aurobindo told me when I asked to leave (we both knew one of us had to go); I immediately said to him, "I will go." And he said no, he told me, "Your body is much more capable than mine of bearing the work of transformation." Sri Aurobindo told me that. And so it accepted, but....

It's true, the body has to be VERY goodwilled -- it so happens that mine is; and it's not a mental goodwill, of course, it's really a bodily goodwill. It accepts, it accepts all the drawbacks.... But the attitude is important, not the consequences (I am convinced that the drawbacks are not indispensable), it's the attitude that is important. It has to be like this (gesture of open hands), you see. Truly I have noticed that in most cases, surrender to the Divine does not mean trust in the Divine -- because when you surrender to the Divine, you say, "Even if You make me suffer, I surrender," but that's an absolute lack of trust! That's really amusing, surrender DOES NOT IMPLY trust; trust is something else, it's ... a kind of knowledge -- an unshakable knowledge, which nothing can disturb -- it's WE who change into difficulties, suffering, misery what is ... perfect peace in the Divine Consciousness. It's we who create that little "transformation."

page 340 - Mother's Agenda , volume 12 , 18th Dec - 1971